Magnus got sick this afternoon. 39.8 fever, uncomfortable and cranky. I called the doctor's after hours service to talk with the nurse. Magnus was complaining about feeling dizzy. I'm to keep him hydrated (3 year olds are so compliant about drinking when they don't want to....) and make sure he's weeing. He doesn't seem to have a stiff neck (although how can you tell when a 3 year old just doesn't want to do what you ask them to do....), and there are no rashes or spots. He's hot, with a headache, dizzy, and fairly clogged in the nose and throat. He's received his dose of Panadol and also Nurofen. The man of the house is sleeping in with him tonight. I got the car out of the garage in case we need to go to hospital. It is facing up the driveway, ready to race out onto the road.
Does all this sound a little extreme for a little guy who probably only has a bad cold? Probably. But we are bereaved parents. Anytime he gets sick, us parents get a bit wound up. I do feel relieved to have spoken with the nurses - just to touch in with what I already knew. But still, I don't know if I'll get to sleep tonight. I will go now to bed, read maybe, turn the light out and just lay there with my eyes open waiting (and waiting) for the sandman while listening for any noises or rustling's from the other room.
I realize that it's most likely a run of the mill kind of thing. But still, I stand at the threshold of 'that path', if only for brief bursts before it's pushed away, towards 'the worst possible outcome'. Perhaps it's an attempt to save myself from being taken by surprise like has happened in the past. "Soren is a very sick baby." "Imogen is not growing and we don't know why." "Heloise will not survive." The carpet snatched right out from under foot.
So, I call the after hours service and talk to the nice nurses, just to make sure we are doing the right things, to touch base. I line up the medications on the benchtop, get out bowls for vomit should we need them, towels to mop up, thermometers, fill drink cups, get cold cloths, all the things normal mothers do. Then, I do what mothers who have watched their own child die do - I get the car out so it's in front of the gate, just to make sure that we can make a speedy get away, should the need arise.
I feel better actually, just for having voiced my nutty thoughts. Thank the stars for blogs hey.